funny potatoes

Spuddy great questions

Is it a real potato?

Yes, of course! A 100%-real British potato will be delivered to your nominated address with a hand-written message on it.



What does my hard earned cash actually get me?

Great, gifting glory! The power is all yours for the taking, your best-spud's won't forget these gifts for a long time! Truly unique and fun present ideas can be found here, and only here!



How big is the potato?

As potatoes are a naturally occurring product the size, shape, colour, texture and type will vary. We haven’t yet discovered a factory making genetically perfect potatoes but we’re working on it. In the meantime, we only send the largest, sexiest potatoes currently available on the market but as spuds are a perishable and natural product the size varies. We do have a minimum weight requirement in place to ensure no ugly spuds are sent your way. All our handsome potatoes need to be greater than 300grams. This is larger than the average potato you would see in your local supermarket.



How much does it cost?

This varies depending on which gift you would like to send your best-spud! We have lots of gift ideas that may a-peel to you, including personalised socks, pyjamas, potatoes, giant sperms and annoying cards. Prices for all items are listed on the website.



Can I eat the potato and dicks?

We certainly don’t recommend that you eat a raw potato, instead admire the beauty that is the majestic spud. If you would like to consume the spud ensure it is washed and cooked properly so that the non-toxic ink is washed or peeled off prior to consumption. You can most certainly consume your chocolate dicks, please be aware that we cannot guarantee that the item has not been exposed to any nuts or items that may cause an allergic reaction. The chocolate items contain dairy and is a milk chocolate. If the chocolate has been left for some time, there is a risk that it may go off and we recommend consuming the item within a couple of days of receiving it.



Why don’t I buy a potato and post it myself?

Ahh, a rookie error. These aren’t your average, small, boring 50p potatoes from Aldi. These are large, expensive, organic, individually selected, heavy, seriously sexy potatoes. Also, you don’t have the spud-tacular packaging, gift card, accessories, special long-lasting ink and most likely can’t be bothered lining up at the post office for five hours. Trust us when we say it takes a long time to perfect the art of creating a perfect potato gift, the below is someone who tried... (sad trombone noise)



What can I say on the potato? Can you write anything?

You can have any message you like hand written on your potato (within the character limit). We reserve the right not to fulfil orders that are deemed bullying or upsetting in nature. This will be decided by management. It is the sender's responsibility to ensure they aren't sending anything very rude or nasty as we may change the message without notice.

You can use swear words, but anything that may cause aggravation such as racist or sexist comments may be removed. Depending on the message, we may replace the entire note with a love heart or 'HEY THERE SPUDDY'. Otherwise we may just remove the offensive word/s individually. You may be contacted if this is the case and asked for a different potato message, or if only a small change this may be done without content to ensure swift delivery!

If unsure about your message, feel free to send us an email or chat, and we will let you know if there are any issues with your s-mash-ing message!



Is it anonymous? You ask for my email and phone number.

All our parcels are sent as anonymous gifts. We do not include any paperwork, invoices, receipts etc in or outside the gift box. The parcel is always sent without any sender details and does not have any branding outside, it is completely mysterious. It is best to use your email, so we can send you receipts and tracking information. We will only use your phone number to contact you if there are any issues regarding your order and for tracking.



How do I pay?

You can check out using PayPal, Visa, MasterCard or American Express. You can purchase using PayPal even if you don’t have a PayPal account, you can also use a debit card. The website is secure and security encrypted.



What if my order is missing information or I forget to add something?

Oh you silly dill! If you accidently make a mistake when ordering, i.e. wrong delivery address or misspell something, please let us know via email (sales@textapotato.com) as soon as possible. If your glorious order has not yet been fulfilled we should be able to remedy the mistake for you, you lovely spud.



How do I send a photo for the personalised items?

You will be sent an email from one of our team members once they have processed your order. In this email you will be asked to respond and attach your desired image!

If you prefer, you're also welcome to send your image to sales@textapotato.com alongside your order number at any time, and we will add the file alongside your order.



How long does it take to make the personalised items?

We aim to turn around your spud-tacular gifts as quickly as possible. The standard time for personalised art and fabrics is between 3-6 working days (Monday-Friday) to dispatch, plus the postage time you selected at checkout. As each item is personalised and requires an individual design we cannot dispatch any of our socks, pillows, artwork, books etc immediately. We work as fast as we can to create and package each order!

Personalised potatoes, balloons, cards we aim to dispatch within 1-2 business days.



Will the chocolate dick melt?

Depends where you put it... Just joking. But yes, if you leave the item on or near a radiator or in direct sunlight or a warm area in will eventually melt. It is chocolate after all! We have specially designed the chocolate dick however so that it can withstand transit time and certainly won't arrive in a big puddle! It is very strong and solid, and has a protective film around it to keep in safe and secure. If you are not home at the time of delivery, and the courier leaves the parcel in a safe area we are not responsible for any damage caused to the chocolate during this time.



Can I see a size chart for the personalised clothing?

Sure thing spuddy, please see below. If there is a size listed that is not showing on the website please let us know and we can create this size for you without any issues. Women's Size Guide: Men's Size Guide:



Aren't the potato gifts wasteful?

Short answer: No. Extended answer:
More than £1bn of food destined for UK supermarkets is thrown away before it leaves farms due to quality standards, fluctuations in demand, or problems during storage contributing to 3.6m tonnes of waste. We purchase directly from local UK farms and suppliers helping reduce their need to throw away potatoes for the above reasons.

We hand select every potato, and make very small, regular buys to ensure there is zero stock wastage and loss at our office.

All of our packaging is recyclable and/or made from recycled products.

We support local industry and workers, ensuring products are not travelling long distances to minimise the carbon footprint. We use couriers that either are, or are working to become carbon neutral (DPD/Royal Mail).

The potato itself is not wasted at all once purchased. The ink has been specially created so that it can be safely consumed or removed with warm water. You can either cook and eat your spud gift as normal, or wait until it has arms and legs, plant it ,and grow potato babies!

Finally, due to the perishable nature of a potato it is not a product that can, nor is sent overseas to help developing areas so we are not using or wasting items that could help those less fortunate elsewhere.

We make an annual donation at the end of each year, based on a percentage of each order total to a local food charity bank. Our potato parcels have less human and environmental impact, damage and wastage than for example, a top from Asos or a card!